What Does It Take To Succeed In a Relationship?
For many people a successful relationship means stability, trust and control over the relationship. By being certain that the relationship lasts, both parties involved are able to fully enjoy themselves and be sure that their partner will support them. The relationship has become “stable” when there is no uncertainty of the fact whether either person is inclined to look elsewhere or have second thoughts about the relationship.
But, why do so many relationships fail even though these three steps of certainty, trust and control have been gained? There are multiple reasons to this, but the most common is the lack of communication and deep understanding.
The Curse of Certainty
Allthough certainty – the feeling and intellectual knowing that events will happen in a certain way – is needed, it can be a two edged sword. See, the two basic human needs in life are certainty and uncertainty. Have you ever seen a couple where one person is always looking for new exciting things to do or experience? Maybe he or she wants to constantly travel or live in a bigger, better place. This is caused by the need for uncertainty and – a third need – significance. When two people are 100% certain about how things will play out, their lives become boring. In order to break out from boredom, each party will pursue their unique way of breaking this boredom. Traditionally it’s the women in relationships who experience too much certainty sooner than the men and thus start acting out and demanding the man for spontaneous acts or something to spice up that relationship.
As the man responds, whether successful or not, he starts to feel a feeling of vulnerability and of not being enough. For a man, the biggest need he has in a relationship is to make his partner happy. If that need isn’t being met, he will start to feel insignificant and withdrawn or even aggressive. Imagine yourself in a situation where your partner constantly puts pressure on you to be more exciting, spice things up and acting against your nature. We need certainty, but too much certainty will turn against us.
How To Intercept The Vicious Cycle?
For the longest time I thought that in order to break this loop I would have to be proactive and be spontaneous before my partner even asks. I would have to come up with new activities, sexual rituals and surprise her with gifts in order to keep her happy. It wasn’t until I learned from Tony Robbins and his relationship mentor Cloe Madanes, that the key to keeping a woman happy and enjoying the relationship wasn’t the acts of spontanuity, it was the focus and presence of the man in the relationship.
Think about it. When does a woman, or a man, need the most excitement and attention? It’s when they feel that they are not enough anymore. So they want the other person to prove that their thinking is wrong. The stronger this thought is, the more the other person has to do in order to convince the doubtor otherwise. Once a relationship reaches this point, it takes a lot of energy and determination to fix.
Now you probably have an understanding of why certainty might be bad and why it is said that relationships always needs “spicing up”. But what I learned is a combination of doing things and actually relaying heartfelt emotions. See, a woman will ALWAYS know if her man is emotionally present or not. So guys, when you talk to your girlfriend, wife, daughter etc. be sure to stay in the moment. Look deep in their eyes when they talk and ask yourself this question: “What is it that she is really trying to say. What is it that she wants to feel that I’m not giving right now?”
The Magic Happens Instantly
Relationships are based on patterns. Those patterns are created by the two people involved. All patterns come from our own individual lives, from our needs, and from how we’re learned to solve problems or how we’ve learned to show love and emotion. If the different patterns of the people in a relationship don’t match up, people end up fighting. It’s not about the facts that they fight, it’s because of the frustration of not being heard deep down in each other’s hearts. If your relationship is at a point where the fighting is constant or the other person becomes “silent” whenever facing an argument, you know that you’re not meeting their needs.
By breaking the usual pattern of his/her thinking and showing emotions, you are able to access a deeper part of your partner’s understanding and emotions. Let me give you an example that illustrates how this can be done.
I had been dating with my girlfriend for more than a year. We had built some habits in our daily lives in how we communicate, show love and affection and how we argue. One night my gf got up from the bed and left the house. It was the middle of the night and I didn’t have any clue as to where she went. I stayed in bed waiting for her to return. After 20-30 minutes of waiting, she finally came back and I confronted her saying how she cannot do that. She got silent and didn’t want to talk. I was just about to repeat my usual pattern of blaming her and making her feel bad while making myself feel like I got control. But, I remembered what I had learned about patterns, about human needs and how to relay emotion properly.
Instead of getting mad or blaming her, I sat in front of her and looked straight into her eyes with a gentle smile. I said to her “You must be feeling very bad if you have to get out of the house. You know that if you want to do that, you can. But everytime you go out, we lose the possiblity of deepening our relationship. I am committed to you and no matter what happens, I won’t let you be sad or lonely. So can you tell me why you felt the need to go out?”
This statement shocked her. I could see in her eyes that she had no idea what to do. How was it possible that her man actually showed love and connected on a deep level even though he had all the right to be mad? She broke her silence and asked if I really still loved her. Of course I replied yes and gave her a kiss. I sat even closer to her and asked her to describe her feelings for the entire day and from the moment she decided to go out of the house. She took some time to think and eventually told me everything. How she was worried about her family, how she felt like she couldn’t be of any help and how I was being so busy that she felt powerless to help me or connect with me.
Connection Is The Key
Now you have a good understanding of what patterns are and how they can be breaken. Do you think I would’ve understood her if I had not breaken my own pattern of getting angry first? Oh, after that night she never again has had the need to leave the house. She learned to trust me even more and always talk about what was on her mind. I had proven to her that I wouldn’t abandon her and that I would help her help others whenever she needed. You have to understand that whenever a person acts out, starts a fight or goes silent, they are saying two things:
1. I feel like I’m not enough
2. And because I’m not enough, I am not loved
So in order to really break through in your relationship, you HAVE TO make your partner FEEL that you love them no matter what. Casually saying “Luv u” is cute, but it’s not enough. Make them hear your mind and your heart. Once you do that, the fighting will stop and the loving can start. Never do we want to feel insignificant or unloved. Don’t make your partner feel that way.
I hope this blog post gave you some clarity into the mind of a relationship. All relationship work fundamentally the same. All human beings have the same two fears I stated above. Once you understand your partners needs and address their fears, your relationship will ascend to the next level. It takes a lot of effort and commitment since you have to repeat this process during every argument and even during peacefull times. But trust me, it’s worth it! We all deserve love so let’s give all that we can to our beautiful girl- and boyfriends, husbands and wives, daughters and sons, mothers and fathers.